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Those Embarrassing
Questions
©2005 Matthew A. C. Newsome, FSA
Scot, GTS
published in the Scottish
Banner, June 2005
We have, in this space, addressed all kinds of historic and
academic issues. How does a tartan get recorded? What is the history of the
kilt? What is proper to wear with it? And now we need to deal with the topic
that everyone is afraid to tackle. You know the one I mean. It is bound to
happen to anyone who wears a kilt. Eventually you will be asked the
question. “What are you wearing under your kilt?”
If you are going to wear the kilt, you are going to get asked
this and you might as well face it. Usually, those asking this question will
be of the female variety but I’ve had several men enquire as well. There are
a few pat answers that you can tailor to the occasion. One of the more common
come-backs is, “Nothing is worn, it’s all in good working order.” Some border
on the crude, such as, “Do you have cold hands? You are welcome to check.” My
favorite is simply “socks and shoes.”
One gentleman I spoke to refuses to play along when asked and
simply replies, “the usual,” and moves on to a different subject. I had taken
to giving the enquirer a serious stare and saying, “Do you really want
to know?” Usually the answer was an embarrassed smile and a “no, I guess
not.” I had to stop that one day when a young woman accosted me in the super
market. I was stopping in to pick up something for my wife and was in a bit
of a hurry. She ran up beside me to ask the question. When I gave my
standard response and turned to leave, she replied with a strong, “Yes, I do
really want to know. Why don’t you just tell me!” She was quite upset that I
would not divulge my secrets!
And really, was it any of her business? As anyone who wears
the kilt regularly can attest to, the more you wear your kilt the more you get
asked this question. And the more you are asked the question the less “cute”
it becomes. I wear the kilt nearly every day. To me, the kilt is not some “fun
costume.” It is my clothing. I certainly do not go up to strange women and ask
them what they are wearing under their skirts or pants. So I expect people to
have the common decency to treat me the same way. Why do people think it is
appropriate to ask any man in a kilt this embarrassing question? (Though I
have to say it is preferable to those who skip the question and just check for
themselves – such an action on the part of a man towards a skirted woman would
land him in prison!)
I have had many conversations with regular kilt wearers about
this, and all are in agreement. It starts to wear on one’s nerves, and indeed
can get offensive. But then I stop and remind myself that most people are not
used to seeing a man in a kilt. They have heard that silly “Scotsman” song
about the blue ribbon (you know the one I’m talking about). So they ask the
question, thinking they are being cute and clever, meaning no offense. And I
and other kilt wearers just suffer through it.
I say all of this for the benefit of anyone who may feel
tempted to “pop the question” at the next Scottish event they attend (or if
you see some poor kilted man in the grocery picking up a gallon of milk). But
that is not actually the topic I want to address in this column. There is in
fact another type of person who asks this question for a very different
reason. It is the man who has just bought his first kilt.
I see it all the time. A gentleman decides he wants to enter
the world of kilt wearing. He talks to me for over an hour about all the
details. He’s been measured, selected his tartan, picked out all the
accessories. He’s paid up and ready to go, when he leans in, lowers his voice,
and somewhat sheepishly asks the question. “So, what do you guys wear under
the kilt... really?" He’s not trying to be funny, he just wants to know
what is proper. He knows that “traditionally” nothing is worn under the kilt –
that is the great mystique of kilt wearing. But nothing he has read has
addressed the practical question of what most modern kilt wearers actually
wear.
And I tell him this – wear whatever you want. I have a strict
“don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. It’s none of your business what I’m wearing
under my kilt, and I really don’t care what you wear under yours. I don’t need
to know whether or not you wear underwear with your blue jeans, and your kilt
is no different.
So, wear nothing if you like – it is the most traditional. Or
wear boxer shorts. Or jockeys. Or spandex. Many men like the comfort and
freedom of “going regimental.” Other men choose to wear under garments for
the purpose of hygiene, or modesty. You know your own body and what you are
comfortable with. This is a decision for you to make. If you take care to
maintain proper decorum in your kilt (and this means sitting “like a lady”)
then no one should ever know what you are or are not wearing. It’s none of
their business!
Also keep in mind the situation. I wear the kilt frequently to
educational programs. If I am going kilted to a school, or to a church, then I
always take care to wear proper undergarments – just in case of a slip – in
order to avoid accidental scandal. At other times? Well, you would need to ask
my wife, and she’s too much of a lady to tell.
But I do have it on authority (from a 30-plus year member of
the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society) that Scottish country dancers are
encouraged to wear black briefs under their kilts. Why? Well, when dancing,
there is the danger of the kilt lifting up as you spin. You obviously would
not want to flash the audience. On the other hand, you don’t want to ruin the
mystique by affording everyone a glimpse of your Micky Mouse print boxers – or
worse yet, show off your “tighty-whiteys!” Let’s not spoil the myth that keeps
young women’s eyes on the men in kilts. So black briefs are worn, to both hide
the goods and to maintain the mystery. In the brief moment that the kilt may
twirl up in the dance, the dark color subtly blends into the shadows and the
eye is never quite sure what it did or did not see!
So, now that you have gotten a lesson in what Scotsmen do and
do not wear under their kilts, I hope this puts your curiosity at rest.
Please, spare your local kilt wearer from having to answer the question yet
once more – and yes, we’ve all heard the song!
